杨可斐：独立写作学生习作详细评析 PART1
Q：Agree or not. Some people like to work at home, while others prefer to work in the office. Which do you prefer and why?
Working at home can be quite cozy (玩词汇的典范，英式英语中作cosy。在不确定考官英语背景的情况下，comfortable即可。）. Without the supervision of boss and workmates （workmates 没有权利监督你）,we don’t have to schedule our working hours, getting up (作目的还是结果？都不是！老老实实用and can get up ) whenever we like. While dealing with the assignments, we can have a cup of drink or even eat some snacks in the mean time. However, from my perspective, it’s compulsory for us to have our tasks done in the office for the long run.
欲抑先扬的写作手法。篇幅正好，观点表达明确。但一些细节上处理的不好，对分词的使用比较模糊。用自己最熟悉最确定的手法是上上策！
Under a cooperative and even (不存在递进或者转折，simultaneously为好）competitive working environment in the office, we can be much more productive and efficient. （理由1开门见山，Nice!). Walking into the office early in the morning , all the colleagues （句子主语和独立主格的主语相矛盾, 在all前加you can see）are busy finishing (改成with）their jobs with a cup of hot coffee by （on) their hands. The clacking of the keyboard and the sound comes into your ears when the pen scrape across the paper really push you to focus on your own assignment, working with passion and efficiency (同样的问题，不知道在这里作什么成分）. Nevertheless, if working comfortably at home, we will be easily distracted by such cozy surroundings, thus making no accomplishment in a whole day.
作者痴迷于独立主格结构，但是对其用法却一知半解。这样的同学不少。建议喜欢用这个句式的同学们先认认真正把高中语法中独立主格的部分看一下。
The responsibility of our job is like a tiny component of an entire Industry chain. Only by cooperating with co-workers and finishing assignments that our bosses give to us in the office can we have outstanding accomplishment. （强调句+介词结构在句首倒装，可以学一下）.The tasks we are working at usually（多余的，去掉） have to be modified many times, in order to meet the goal of our managers and the critical consumers. As a result, we have to spend a lot of time exchanging ideas with co-workers and bosses to reach a satisfying consensus. Undoubtedly, it will be meaningless if we make efforts by ourselves.
这段没什么问题。说了在办公室里工作的好处：可以与同事和boos交流以提高工作质量。
（缺少连接词！可用Furthermore过渡）We serve in an industry with extremely fierce competitions, therefore, we have to stay in the office to deal with various emergencies. Imaging if a vital meeting will be held in less than a quarter, whereas your home is about an hour’s drive from the company. （家里离公司很远，结果是什么呢！！！这个时候不能蜻蜓点水，要把考官当傻子，清楚地陈述）will miss the conference that will be significant.....）What’s more , if you make a severe mistake in a crucial project, and the manager demands you to rush to his office immediately, there is no way to handle such essential emergencies while working at home。
这开头出现了一个逻辑错误。行业的竞争激烈和处理紧急事务之间几乎没有联系，这是论述的大忌。
另外，在举例子方面要尽量避免同一类型的例子，聪明的做法是把一个例子写全写完整。比如说有一个紧急的谈判（客户要改价格），你在家里赶不过来miss了这个会议，结果可能是失去客户，意味着大家一直的努力都付之东流了。。。这样延伸出来写更加充实。
To sum up, it may sounds （情态动词后动词原型） great when we first hear the assumption of（chinglish结构，think of 就可以了）working at home . However , after a thorough thought （再一次chinglish, clear consideration, the whole idea(idea是什么呢？要写出来，因为之前没出现过idea的标志）is extraordinarily inappropriate. What’ worse ,（To make the matters worse) our entire career may be ruined (注意：太夸张的太极端的东西不要写）. It goes without saying that working in the office is the only choice.
总的来说，这不是一篇高分作文，反映出的问题很典型。
理由和叙述之间的关系很牵强，偏爱用词汇却不能准确表达意思，语法基础薄弱（时态、句型）。这些都是托福写作的常见病。
对于基础比较差的同学来说，如果你的时间比较充裕，看语法书是很有必要的。把几种从句的结构弄清楚了对你托福写作帮助是大大的。
以上就是南京新航道托福频道为大家整理的杨可斐：独立写作学生习作详细评析 PART1，希望对大家有帮助，更多资讯、资料请访问南京新航道托福频道：https://nj.xhd.cn/toefl/
