杨可斐：独立写作学生习作详细评析 PART3
Q：People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increase knowledge).Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
There is a trend of severe competition in our society with remarkable development. More and more high school students choose to attend college or university after graduation. As far as I’m concerned, getting more knowledge, acquiring a higher degree for job application and being acquainted to （没见过这种组合，可能是我孤陋寡闻。acquainted 多半和with搭配，解释为熟悉，意思上不通。这里就说交朋友或者培养交际能力更妥。）more friends are the three most important reasons of people attending college or university, though there should be more.
开头没问题。观点陈述很清楚。
Acquiring knowledge comes to my mind firstly when considering the reasons of attending colleges.（如果把first放在come前面就是完美，你试试看是不是这样更通。因为副词非常好能和动词放在最近的位置） “Knowledge is power” （原来这句话不是高尔基说的，版主长见识了）as Baconn（没有double“n”） says. Without influent knowledge and professional skills for certain kinds of job, students usually find high-school education background would （如果要用would，find后面必须有that引导宾语从句）not be enough for taking （肯定是to V结构） a position in companies and enterprises. For instance, without qualified training, teachers could not inform （通知？用词不当！）and educate others. Also, scientists, if they are not skilled in specific scientific areas, （主语怎么没了？）could not unravel puzzles of the Earth, explore more advanced theories and invent functional devises designed for human. In addition, doctors would not find the sources of our diseases and abate our pain fundamentally without superior equipped medical abilities （太awkward,直接说superior abilities就行了）. Owing to these reasons, people apply for higher level educational institutes in order to get more comprehensive and specialized education. With enormous knowledge and careful training, students could have a deep understand of the majors they will work on later. Only through the training in college or university, could students be approved by competitive society.
这段小错误较多。小错误如果堆积起来也是个不小的问题。在语言的使用上要摒弃那种形容词the more the better的念想，用的准确和恰当是非常好的。
你举了老师、科学家和医生的例子。类比的手法不错，但是例子用多了就不值钱了。可以考虑挑一个多写几句。个人认为，科学家的例子是非常好的，和knowledge的范畴最接近。
这段略显臃肿，要减肥！
（缺少连接词，However什么的都可以）Learning more knowledge in college or university is not the only reason for students. Actually they also want to get a higher diploma which could prove that they have finished all the essential courses of certain major set in college or university and passed all the exams in need that test the students' abilities to be professional in different areas. This certificate is indispensable especially when applying for jobs. Usually most employers make the first estimate according the degree to make estimate about the applicants’ abilities for the positions. （用了两个make estimate，太繁琐。你就说雇主通常make estimate about 应聘者的能力 accoding to 文聘不就完了么）
In addition, getting to know more friends is a fantastic and energetic part for the whole campus life. After knowing these new friends, you could progress your life with great ease and speed. In study and daily life, they play a major role by offering help to each other and enjoy the highlight together. (这两句话的遣词造句几乎没有常用搭配，除了progress...with，play a major role后面通常搭配in，enjoy the highlight 闻所未闻。你的目的是让考官看懂看清楚，而不是越写越朦胧。）You don’t need to be worried about your absence of classes when you are sick since your friends could borrow their notes or solve some study problems for you. Also, you could share your accomplishment to （share with 固定搭配）them who would celebrate your success sincerely.
Also there are other factors that could contribute to attend college and university. For example, one could cultivate different kinds of abilities by participating in college activities, study in a comfortable environment, and get the massive educational resources including the libraries or the laboratories.
我不知道是不是这么分段的。你所说的不同的能力、大量的教育资源和你上文提到的knowledge有所雷同。在写理由的时候，尽量不要写和上文看起来有所重复的，会造成黔驴技穷的感觉。
Considering the reasons we have talked above, we could conclude that students choose to study in the college and university reasoning that they want to get more knowledge in own major, turn to be more competitive in job applying with suited degree for the job and know more friends.
总体评价：文章够长，看得够累。
托福作文一般来说字数在350-450之间是可以接受的。没有the more the better的说法。字数很多内容空洞照样是低分，写这么多考官批起来都累。你在一定字数内把自己要表达的表达清楚就可以了。比如Also other factors那段。我觉得就可以全部delete。因为它和上文的某些内容有Overlap。况且你已经说了三个理由。三个理由写的还是蛮贴切的。当然说实话这个题目很好写。
有两个问题：
1、太喜欢堆砌形容词和长句，这是个误区。不是说你多用形容词、词分数就高。而是你的形容词在恰当的时候出现在恰当的地点。
2、常用结构和固定搭配不熟。托福写作词组去积累一下。看范文积累或者直接背一些资料都可以。
以上就是南京新航道托福频道为大家整理的杨可斐：独立写作学生习作详细评析 PART1，希望对大家有帮助，更多资讯、资料请访问南京新航道托福频道：https://nj.xhd.cn/toefl/
