杨可斐：独立写作学生习作详细评析 PART4

来源：南京新航道浏览：发布日期：2014-05-15 11:45

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Q: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best leaders are those who are willing to admit if they have made a bad decision.

        It is well known that responsible, ambitious, open-minded, social, far-sighted are features that make the best leaders. However, people divide in opinions on whether the best leaders are willing to admit their formal decisions are bad. Some argue that best leaders should never admit they have done something wrong. While others counter that best leaders should be able to admit their mistakes bravely. （这个可以不要，你上面那句已经高度概括了，开头不要太长。简洁清楚就行了。） Although I admit leaders should try their best to avoid making wrong decisions, I hold that even if they have messed up, the best leaders are always not afraid of saying it out.

        开头非常梦幻的。 Highlight的句子很值得借鉴，属于首段的黄金模式之一。

        It is reasonable to think that if a leader admit their fault, they would lose respect from others. A small group of team members will possibly cast doubts on （非常好的词组）the ability of the leader, thus （如果要用thus,后面就是句子，表示结果，thus后面要用it will lower；如果没有thus，那么分词结构表结果。可以用lowering。差一点点就无可挑剔。） lowering the leader's reputation and status in others' mind. Therefore, the leaders would be assumed less qualified and might not be taken as best one.

        又是梦幻的一段。我比较青睐一上来说正面的观点而不是让步。因为让步容易让考官对你的观点产生疑惑。当然，童鞋们可以看到下面一段开头句‘nonetheless...'一句作者把自己的观点表达的非常清楚。很多童鞋喜欢上来用让步段，ok的，但是一定要在后文再一次强调自己的观点。这个时候不要搞什么隐晦，要把考官当傻逼。

        Nonetheless, admitting one's mistake is exactly one of the characteristics of the best leaders. Firstly, everyone make mistakes and wrong decisions, but what matters is that the best leaders dare to admit and keep those faults from happening again. Good leaders are responsible to bring their mistakes on the table and learn from it in order to make a better decision in the future. Besides, instead of regarding the leaders as less qualified, the others （主语对应的非常准确） would take them as a perfect example of correcting mistakes bravely as well as ignoring personal benefits, which are exactly the best leaders' traits. In general, best leaders are those who consider for the whole team, not their own reputation,(这里用not...but... 的结构更好.也能和后面的and衔接起来。所以非常好改成：who consider not for their own reputation but for the whole team.) and honestly admit they have done something wrong.

        语言上几乎完美，非常的流利。不过从托福写作内容要求上就可以挑出不少刺。相比于第二段的让步，正面的攻击略显单薄。鉴于文章的语言功底，我破例给予提示。

        1、领导犯了错误能够承认，这种勇于承担的精神会成为staff member学习的榜样。所谓“王子犯法与庶民同罪。”（这个英语我可不会说，童鞋们可以试试），staff对于领导会更加忠诚，这个团队的凝聚力会增强，对于团队有突出贡献的领导当然是好领导。2、领导犯了错误会承认，因为他们觉得必须对自己手里的项目负责，必须对手下的员工负责，必须对得起自己的薪水。这样有责任心的人当然是好领导。3、就像你提到的，为了避免由一个错误引发未来更大的问题，领导会承认自己的错误并且及时作出调整和修改。一个有前瞻性和危机意识的领导当然是好领导。

        这几点写下来这篇托福文章的论证部分就会非常丰满。同时，紧扣好领导、承认错误、积极的影响这几个关键词也不会偏题。这样的内容才配的上它华丽的辞藻。

        Admitting bad decisions probably reduce the reputation of leaders in some members' eyes. However, the real best leaders are those who take benefits from mistakes and care more about the performance of the whole team than their own. Therefore, I believe the best leaders are those who are willing to admit even if they have made a bad decision.

        结尾没啥问题。字数也控制的很不错。

        这篇文章的语言是我开始批改作文以来所见过的人力最接近满分的（不要问和我比怎么样之类的问题）。的弱点就是论证段的内容。对于一些文采比较出众，写作功底比较扎实的同学来说。你们更需要多做发散性练习，看看从题目的一个小点能够衍生出多大的空间。当然前提是不能偏离这个核心。对于你们来说，有时候仔细想10个题目比写一个题目要有效果的多。