杨可斐：托福独立写作学生习作详细评析 PART5

  Q：Which of the following three factors contributes to an enjoyable vacation most？A. good food  B. good location C. good friends with you. Use specific reasons to support your answer.

        When asked about what I always do in my spare time, “an （低级错误）enjoyable vocation” is my answer without doubt （直接undoubtedly更简洁。一般来说除了常用词组，能用单词表达的单词）.  Many factors will added （一般将来时+过去式。有点搞笑了啊，写完一定要检查！） to an unforgettable travel, such as its beautiful scenery, famous snacks, regional culture and so on . But according to my perspective and rich experience, without good friends with you （累赘了）, all the above elements means （elements是可数名词复数，明白了？如果没有elements, all the above可以跟means）nothing. I cling to this unshakable belief  because friends bring a lot of  safety，convenience and happiness to us.


        一个开头有三个语法错误着实不易。一上来考官对你的印象已经不好了。写完一定要检查。时态、单复数、拼写之类的。

        The first and most obvious advantage is that we will gain more senses of security. We have heard about stories like that a solo traveler drops from the mountainside and several days later his corpse is found since nobody knows what happens more than once. But if there is a friend who is accompany with（accompany的用法，直接跟somebody,不用with，更不用be动词）you , such things will surely be avoided. He can not only do his best to save you, but also call for hospitals , individuals who live nearby or your families that will come to help. （虽然有点拗口，但是语法没错）In addition , more friends means more  experiences. You do not have to worry about losing your way or facing some robbers, just to make an assumption. （太口语化的毛病能不能改？句子结构里这算是什么成分？）


        整段用了一个悲惨的例子作反面教材，但是很扣题，支持的理由也很到位。除了最后那半句话，其他还是不错的。

       At the same time, friends will bring us a lot of convenience. Frankly speaking ,I have ever experienced a solo travel which left an deeply （辅音你倒要加n了，impression是名词，前面跟deep) impression on my mind. It is a vocation to LiJiang on April 2010. (sounds great) Before it, I had to book ticket, room (如果只有一个并列，中间一定是and而不是逗号） in advance and made （和前面时态对应）decisions about where to go, how long I have to stay all by myself. Just a detailed plan took me a whole week. And during the travel, another trouble appeared that i had no one to take photo for me. What I did is （应该是was）waiting beside a stranger who is （was）taking photos for his friends and asked （不管和前面哪个并列都应该是Ving形式）him to lend me a hand. Who can imagine that how these more than 300 pictures come about?（病句，我看得懂，考官肯定看不懂。你可以说It is .....  to imagine how these 300 pictures come about.） If only I had a friend with me, I would enjoy a more ”easier” trip.


        语法错误我就不说了。太臭太长。

        说说例子。又一次用了反例。反例是可以的，但是要注意反例和正面叙述的篇幅。你的正面叙述只有一句。而且还是一句虚拟语气。明智的做法是缩小反例的篇幅，增多正面的陈述。比如有了friend随行可以有哪些convenience. 1、男的会帮女的背包。2、（就像你说的）拍照。3、住旅店可以share一个房间，比较省钱之类的。

        Lastly, friends will make a vocation multicolored. If he is a friend who is humorous （直接说If he is humorous）, many interesting things will be told and happened (and前后位置互换，再读，是不是发现语法有区别？）, so the travel will be full of laughter. If he is a friend who is knowledgeable, information about the background and culture of places of interest （不要那么多of）will be gained without extra effort. If he is a friend who is a foodie, then just enjoy the happiness that grabbing delicacy with him.


        托福写作中能用形容词表述清楚的地方，不要用定语从句。形容词本来就是定语。例子举得还行，但是段落太单薄，你可以多些一点细节。比如和humorous的人玩，一路上嘻嘻哈哈（你说的），会忘记旅行的疲惫，遇到一些困难什么的也会用乐观的心态去面对。和有知识的人玩，他知道各地的风土人情，这些东西非常interesting，而且省的请导游了。对于很多学生来说，例子写不丰满，是缺少发散性思维的能力。这种能力需要我们收集生活中的点点滴滴。热爱生活，才能热爱写作。

        In the final analysis, I am still of the firm opinion that friend is a needful element for you to an memorable vocation. That is why “Donkey friend”come into being. Bring friends with you and then begin to enjoy your incredible journey.



        语法错误就不再鳌述了。出现的太多势必会影响分数。


        需要提高的地方：


        1、减少语法错误。
        2、把例子写的丰满。

 杨可斐：独立写作学生习作详细评析 PART5，南京新航道托福频道为大家推荐如上。