杨可斐：托福独立写作学生习作详细评析 PART7

来源：南京新航道浏览：发布日期：2014-07-24 10:50

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杨可斐 南京新航道雅思、托福、SAT写作、语法课程主讲。英文功底扎实，授课耐心细致极具亲和力，善于培养学生的学习兴趣，让学生在轻松的氛围中获得提高。

Q：In order to become a financially responsibleadult, people should be taught how to manage money at an early age.

提纲：
首先，小时候学会理财可以避免长大后财务一团糟糕。
第二，小时候学会理财可以知道父母生活的艰辛。
第三，让步段

Nowadays(删), As the living condition is much more improvedthan ever before, parents can give their children what they need and what theywant. However, I think they just ignore teaching the kids how to manage money, which (as it) isvery important for being (kids tobecome) a financially adult inthe future. Just like Warrent Buffet, the second richest man in this planet,said in a speech, "it is never too early to control money in one's ownhand." So I definitely agree people should teach their kids how to manage money as the following reasons.

大家犯的很多的一个错误就是开头不明确表明自己的观点，觉得有点多余了，甚至有的观点都不表明清楚直接开始论证了。实际上在托福作文里，开头一定要清楚明白地表明自己的观点，到底是agree 还是 disagree.另外很普遍的一个现象就是Nowadays, with the development of XXX用得实在太泛滥，所以大家一定要找这些基本的替换词，或者干脆不用。

First of all, managing money is a kind of ability that will benefit an individual for a lifetime. Learning that as earlyas possible surely is very important to the kids. (So it is very important for kids to learn suchskills as early as possible.) At their childhood, children do not have anaccurate sense of money. They do not know the exact relation between money and the things they have.Thus, the earlier they were taught how to manage money, the less money they would wasteon the things they don't need in future. With taking the meaning of money into consideration after being(删) grown up, they will treat their money in a moremature way.

论点没什么问题，可以受益终生，可是这段联结词处理得不好，句子有点散。

Secondly, it is also a great opportunity for the kids to acknowledge(understand) the hardness of their parents. When I was 14, I started to study in a boarding school, I got money from my parents weekly as I went home every weekend. At the beginning, I always had a prosperous life (good time) during the first two or three days of a (the) week,then a lousy life (the hard time)took place till weekends. After recognizing my problem, my mother told me that she had the same problem before I was born(删), (As my birth) then(删) she realized that she had to learn how to manage (save) money to fulfill my requirement(needs). At that time, how I wished that I could manage money myself so that I could know their burdens.

例子没什么问题，但是最后一句显得比较突兀。例子举得可以更细，比如I was paying snacksfor my classmates the first two days then I had to beg them to share atThursdays.再比如后面妈妈省钱也可以来一个前后对比这样使得“我”的顿悟不那么突兀。这些都是可以为你文章加分的地方。对于不少初/中级别的托福写作，编例子是一个非常好的方法，例子编得细，即可以加分，又增加了不少字数。但是同时在举例的时候不少同学真实的文笔水平也随之显露出来，特别是当模板特别华丽的时候。

But the kids should be taught with the right method by the right people (person). If parents are also not so good at managing money, they shall just ask somebody else to do the job. Parents also need to offer their children some money, so that the kids can practice that ability with real money(删).

这样的让步我相信出现在很多人”凑字数，拼结构“的文章里。让步要提出对方的观点，然后反驳对方观点来强化自己的观点。这里举个例子，过早的教育可能会让孩子更早接入社会，“掉进钱眼里”，那么我们的反驳可以是我们希望通过正确的教育，不仅让孩子学会如何管理金钱，同时也建立一个健康的金钱观。

In sum, I recommend children to be taught how to manage their money when they are young. This practice (lesson) can provide them with a well-designed life when they become adults. It will benefit not only from their financial aspects but also their whole life. (in many other ways)

总结：
这篇作文的一些问题很具有代表性，比如逻辑，例子的细化，如何让步等方面，都是可以提高的地方，希望大家能够结合本文，发现自己的问题所在，提高作文能力。