杨可斐：托福独立写作学生习作详细评析 PART8

来源：南京新航道浏览：发布日期：2014-07-24 10:56

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杨可斐 南京新航道雅思、托福、SAT写作、语法课程主讲。英文功底扎实，授课耐心细致极具亲和力，善于培养学生的学习兴趣，让学生在轻松的氛围中获得提高。

People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment- doing things they like- rather than doing things they should do.

提纲： I disagree with the idea that personal enjoyments prevent people to do what they should do.
首先这句话有个小小的错误prevent sb from doing。这是小问题。大问题是这句话和论题其实是两个问题。题目没有说personal enjoyments阻止了人们do what they should do。

观点一: Compared to the past, people do have more personal enjoyments due to the development of society.
观点二：Education and competition help people be aware of the responsibilities.
观点三：Personal enjoyments make people can promote people to take responsibilities in return.
结尾：In summary, an independent modern person would have enjoyments and take responsibility at the same time.

The statement above demonstrates the contradiction between people’s personal enjoyments and their responsibilities on contemporary society.这句话破题还不错。简单的说，就是用自己的话解释题目。作者文字功力不错，能用比较的词汇从更深层面上阐述了问题。 While the arguer believes people spend too much time on their individual enjoyments rather on what they should do, I disagree with the idea due to following conspicuous aspects.

开头简练有效，这是一个好现象。很多同学的开头由于套用托福写作模板都显得过于冗长和无聊。开头其实最关键的是要说清楚两件事，这篇文章要讨论什么，我的观点是什么。

Admittedly, compared to the past, people nowadays have more free time to enjoy fun of life and pursue their own hobbies and interests.这句话暴露了一个非常大的问题。主题句必须和下面的讨论相一致。大家可以看到这段里的主题句和下文不符，这是一个很大的忌讳。 With the process of human civilization, today’s world is a world which respects human democracy and liberty. It allows people to achieve the abundant tangible and intangible results the world could offer. For instance, teenagers can watch TV and play video games for fun, which is unbelievable 100 years ago. Also, a normal middle class family nowadays can afford to enjoy playing golf or watching a bullet show which used to be the upper class’s entertainment in the past.

However, increase in enjoyments doesn’t directly relevant to the decrease in responsibilities. As the development in education, people are gradually aware of their duties, not only to themselves and their families in a traditional way, but also to the society as well.过渡的好！ Participating in a local political election or changing into a low-carbon lifestyle are all signs of responsibilities, and individual enjoyments cannot get in the way of them.Meanwhile, today’s society is also full of competition and pressure, and it forces people to take responsibilities. I have seen many of my fellow schoolmates study hard or get part-time job to be self-independent, even if they like playing computer games or playing basketball in spare time.意识是对的，这里应该举例，但是例子没讲明白。

Furthermore, I always hold the view that people’s enjoyments can promote them to take some responsibilities in return.这个论点棒极了！ By taking responsibilities, they can appreciate the world for giving them wonderful enjoyments. A man’s love of outdoor adventure may incent him to donate money for the protection of wilderness. People are also likely to achieve more when they enjoying what they are doing. One good example is Jack Peterson, a man who was fascinated by movies so much when he was young, becomes the director of great Lord of Ring series later in his life.

In summary, due to the above mentioned reasons, individual enjoyments would not obstruct the charge of responsibilities. Instead, the former may promote the latter. An independent modern man would be responsible, and have the freedom to pursue personal enjoyments at the same time.

这篇文章的优缺点都非常明显。可以看出来作者的文字功底很好基础也很好。对于词汇句式的运用都比较成熟，语法错误也较少。是一篇非常成熟的文章。但是这篇文章的问题也非常明显。就像我文章里指出的，有一段的主题句的问题很大。老外看文章的思路，如果你的主题句和论据不同，那么你这段就废了。可能作者根本没注意这个小问题。楼下的童鞋也要注意了，不要写好了主题句就把它给忘了。本质上你写这一段的目的就是为了解释这句话，支撑这句话。所以不要舍本求末，不要忘了最初的意思。

第二个需要注意的点就是作者的那句过渡，非常规范。过渡句有三个目的，要讲清楚三个问题：上面讲了什么，接下来要讲什么，两个问题之间有什么联系。

第三个点我也指出来了，就是那个没有说清楚的例子。例子没说清只是个别的问题，但是作者的意识值得童鞋们学习。老外写文章的思路一般是这样的：我要讲什么，我要讲哪个方面，有没有证据支持我的观点。简单说就是主题句+发展句+论证。这是英语作文非常标准规范的结构，只有搭好了扎实的骨架以后才能往里面填充血肉。

以上讲的三个问题都是英语作文里的规范思路，很多作文找不到门路的童鞋可以好好看看，也有一些童鞋托福作文得了高分也不知道为什么的，可以看看自己的高分作文有没有符合这种思路。

可能有很多同学觉得这篇文章的文字老练，觉得自己怎么也写不出来这种文章。其实除了多看范文多背词汇以外，有一种捷径是去了解英语作文的一些小规则，这样还是可以避免走一些弯路的。不过话说回来，英语作为一种语言，怎么说都是要积累的嘛~

下面给大家看英语遣词造句的一些基本规则，大家分享着看看吧~

Writing Principle : Place old, familiar, and short information at the beginning of a sentence in the topic position.

Writing Principle : Place new, complex, or long information at the end of a sentence in the stress position.

要想文章有逻辑，句子与句子之间有逻辑，这是一个很好的方法。下面有两个例子，也是两种方法~

If information is placed where most readers expect to find it, it is interpreted more easily and more uniformly. Readers expect ot see old information that links backward at the beginning of a sentence and new information at the end of a sentence where it is emphasized more. Above all, writing "flows" much better if the information is linked through word location. The general principle that authors should keep in mind is to provide context for their readers before asking these readers to consider anything new.

上一句话的结尾重点也是下一句的开头介绍，这样子句子与句子就连接起来了，把它连成一段话以后就是非常漂亮的层层推理论证了。

e.g. Macular degeneration is affected by diet. One of the diet components that influences the progression of macular degeneration is vitamin B6. Although vitamin B6 seems to reduce the risk of macular degeneration, it may have side effects.
Explanation: Not how the information at the end position of a sentence in the preceding example is placed at the beginning, or topic position, of the next sentence, leading to "jumping word location." In each of these sentences, the new information in stress position of one sentence becomes old, at the topic position in the sentence that follows.

Another way to achieve good flows or continuity is to write a whole paragraph from the poing of view of the old information.

一段话讲一个问题怎么讲？四句话，句介绍这是什么问题，后三句从三个角度来说明它。也许在托福作文里不太实用，不过用出来一看就是经过正规训练的好孩子~~

e.g. Depression in the elderly is thought to affect more than 6.5 million of the 35 million Americans who are 65 years of age and older. It is considered to be a disorder that is commonly underdiagnosed, undertreated, and mismanaged by pharmacotherapy both in community dwelling seniors and in those residing in nursing facilities. Depression in the elderly has also been closely associated with dependency and disability that prensents in both emotional and physical symptoms, thus amplifying the difficulty in diagnosis. Major depression, dysthymic disorder, and subsyndromal depression tend to be higher in persons over 65 who live in a long-term care facility.
Explanation: Note how in this example, the topic "depression" is consistently placed in the topic position of each sentence, providing a link back for the reader. If passages are consistently written from the same point of view as in the preceding example, good flow is also achieved.

Not all paragraphs will follow these principles of word location as exclusively as shown above. Many paragraphs display a mixture of the word locations shown in these examples. That is okay.

Writing Principle : Get to the subject of the main sentence quickly, and make it short and specific. If possible, use central characters and topics as subjects.

In general, readers prefer to get to the subject/topic of the main sentence quickly. When you open sentences with several words before its subject/topic, readers have a hard time understanding what the sentence is about.

Readers also prefer to see characters as their subjects. In fact, readers get confused if for no good reason authors do not make characters subjects. The central character is the subject of a series of sentences telling a story.

Writing Principal : Avoid interruptions between subjuect and verb and between verb and object.

作者的原意是主语和动词直接不要有挡住视线影响阅读理解的长短语，老外看到主语的反应就是这个主语做了什么动作，所以你要尽可能的满足老外的这个欲望，不要去吊他的胃口。不过主语和谓语之间加个however什么的还是可以的~~~

Information is more easily interpreted if it is not obstructed. Often sentences are obstructed because the verb does not immediately follow the subject. Readers expect grammatical subjects to be followed immediately by the verb. Anything of length that intervenes between subject and verb is read as an interruption and therefore as something of lesser importance.

If grammatical subject is separated from its verb by a long phrase, readers may focus their attention on the arrival of the verb and resist recognizing anything in the inerrupting material as being of primary importance. The longer the interruption lasts, the more likely it becomes the "interruptive" material actuallly contains important information; but its structural location will continue to brand it as merely interruptive.

Often an interruption can be moved to the beginning or to the end of a sentence, depending on whether it is connected to old or new infromation in the sentence. At other times, the author should consider aplitting the information into two sentences or even omitting the interrupting information altogether.