杨可斐：托福独立写作学生习作详细评析 PART9

来源：南京新航道浏览：发布日期：2014-07-24 11:06

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杨可斐 南京新航道雅思、托福、SAT写作、语法课程主讲。英文功底扎实，授课耐心细致极具亲和力，善于培养学生的学习兴趣，让学生在轻松的氛围中获得提高。

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? If you cannot say anything nice about others, you'd better not say anything.

提纲:
first paragraph:there are some people only tell nice about others ,but it has some inherent defects, like can jeopardize the friendship and sometimes compliment is of no help.
second paragraph: first reason:if we always speak nice to others, we need to lie sometimes, which has a risk to destruct the reliance and confidence in the friendship.
third paragraph:second reason: some time truly criticism can be more helpful than false compliment.
last paragraph: summary.

As we grow up, we may gradually aware(aware是个形容词…realize) in the sophisticated society, there can always be someone who only tell the bettersides(good side) of a person even though the person can be a pure scoundrel,or merely give oral admiration to others even though they are in need of fair criticism. This kind of behavior mostly results from the hypocrisy inside our deep hearts. From the appearance, it may seems can(to) make others more happy and confident, whereas in the long term, it may jeopardize friendship and make others feel presumptuous, even in some cases, overpraise could make people reluctant to make further progress(reluctant in knowing each other more), while modest criticism may help people have better self-understanding and self-evaluation.

你的开头写的有点拖拉了，而且还没有完全正面表达你的观点。下面稍微给你缩了一点，其实还可以更少。

There are people who always compliment,whether if it’s inappropriate or not, even when facing a scoundrel, all they dois paying compliment. This behavior seems to make others happy and even more confident, whereas in the long term, it might leave the impression of “Hypocrite”to others, which sometimes fails to make a deeper conversation, so I would say I disagree to say nothing but something nice, we need modest criticism to helppeople have better self-understanding and self-evaluation.

(Firstly)No one can deny the main purpose of language is to communicate our feelings and thoughts with people around us, if we always tell nice about (to) our acquaintances, sometimes wecannot express our true feeling about others, in other words, we need to lie tofriends who is(删) relyon us to give their sincere advice and evaluation with pure hypocritica lcompliments.(这句话有点长了,注意断句~) Although those white lies seem no harm to both of us at that time, but there could be possibility that one day in the future, when he/she finally finds out I have lied to them when they believed in me, these honey comments could turn out tobe explosive / which will destruct the reliance even thefriendship between us / for he/she may totally lose their confidencein me.(这句更长…断下句亲！) For example, there is a friend of mine who Ithought to be very supportive and understanding at the beginning, but one day I accidentally found out she have (has) never admired me and(or)recognized  any kinds of(any kinds of 删) my performances by receiving a mistakenly sending email. How could I continue the friendship? How could I rebuild the confidence and reliance in her? The answer is impossible.

注意断句~ 另外最后一点例子举完，不要马上就结束了，一定要点回去，就一句话就好, 比如 I’drather she just say her true feelings from the beginning, although it doesn’t soundgood, but at least she told what she felt.

On theo ther hand(一般论点的123，不用On onehand/ On the other hand,这两个是在论述的过程中用的), there is an old saying in china “bitter herb is annoying but effective to our sickness”.It’s (That goes) the same to the words we speak. Harsh criticism could bemiserable(hard, miserable过了) to take in but it is necessary in some certain conditions, take my little brotherfor example, as a 8 years old juvenile / with good-looking appearance and being the only precious boy in our extended family,(断句) he never lack of praise from all the family.But recently he is addicted to television programs (shows),acting like a total couch potato. He ignores (skipped) allthe schooling (classes) and be (was) impersona lto family members. Once during the dinner time, I criticized him so rigidly even made him cry. although he was frustrated and sad at that time, I’m convinced that all(删) my words said (删) will be of great help for him when he totally apprehend my intention. (finally/truly understands)

这里同样缺乏一句“点回去”。

Inconclusion, true friends does not need lies but what you really think about them, true friends does not desire false compliment but what can be helpful forthem. In this sense, there is no point always speaking nice to others; instead,being sincere, honest and helpful is the key factors to make our friendshipeternal.

结尾少了对论点的总结，稍作改动即可。In conclusion, a good friendship doesn’t allow hypocritical compliments,while modest criticisms can help friends out when they needed. In this sensethere is no point always speaking nice to others; instead, being sincere,honest and helpful is the key factors to make our friendship eternal.

总结：

从审题上来看，题目只是说的Others,而这篇文章把它限定在了Friends之间.

纵观本文，文章有点偏中文化，用词有些不准。

开头拖拉，不是直截了当表达观点，进入下面表明论点，却从开头就有点在论述的感觉了。稍微帮着做了些缩减。另外一定要正面点出你到底是agree还是disagree.

两个论点取得不错，很有说服力。1.长远的角度来说，好话会对友情造成伤害。2. 有时候真实的建议反而对朋友更好。可是在论述中出现了这么一些问题，
1.  例子举完了，回来应该再点一下观点，
2.  句子有些过于冗长，改加标点的地方没加。
3.  本文没有第三个论点或者让步段。

结尾这部分，点题这点做到了，但是总结的观点部分缺失了。