杨可斐：托福独立写作学生习作详细评析 PART10

 

    In contemporary society, due to the fierce competition among human resources, it is becoming increasingly difficult for one to find a satisfying job. Even job vacancy is scarce due to the increasing number of human population. Many people, if not most, are strong believers in the claim that one should immediately accept his job offer as soon as he gets one, especially a secure job. From my point of view, however, I firmly hold that one should never hesitate to seek for opportunity of getting a great career and should stick to his own dream.

 

    典型的三句话开头(虽然实际上是四句了)：句大背景+第二句大众观点+第三句个人观点。很多同学都会背很多漂亮的模板，我可以说我脑子里一个模板都没有，但是我们要知道什么时候要说什么话，这样你心里有的不是模板，而是结构；有了结构那你写什么都可以都是对的，总比套不适合的模板要好得多。

 

    First of all, the more fiercely competitive the society is, the more opportunities you will meet.Thus instead of locking yourself in a secure job with limited payment and doubtful prospect, you should reject the “secure” offer full of confidence and head for your bright future. Probably few people know that Steve Jobs was once offered a research assistant position in his mother university in his early career. It was a safe position at that time. But we all know that Jobs is so brilliant that a small research assistant position will not fit him at all. It was because he smelt the delicate demand of user-friendly high-technology devices that he was immersed in his own developing and prototyping instead of taking the tedious RA’s work. No one will cast doubt on the decision Jobs made, but few of them will be confident enough to take the risk. Remember, Jobs is only a typical example while there are huge numbers of success behind us, as well as large amounts of opportunities ahead of us. So never hesitate to decline a tedious job and start your bright career.

 

    句主题句没有问题，这段的关键词是opportunity，所以所有的笔墨都要围绕着机会来写。第二句发展句，发展句的作用是限制角度，opportunity也是有很多角度写的，这段从什么角度写完全就有发展句控制了。

    粉色举例论证非常漂亮。要知道我们用英语叙述的能力远不如中文，这就是为什么我们写英语作文先学议论文而不是记叙文。我学英语这么久写过的记叙文屈指可数。所以我们不要去选我们不擅长的叙述来写。我们来看这个例子，一共用了四句话。句和第三句形成对比，就是题目里accept secure job和wait for satisfying...的对比，叙述的同时还在扣题。第四句就要讲怎么跟opportunity扯上关系了：正是因为Jobs看到了机会，所以才放弃RA的。其实真正的叙述也就两句话，但是能清楚的讲清楚事情，我们追求的就是这样的叙述。不是背模板的，因为非常扣题，干净清楚。

    还有个细节值得一提，第二句话上面没有讲到：It was a safe position at that time. 这句话很多同学都会处理作句的从句，这完全没有问题。这里处理做一个短句的好处就是做到长短句结合。要知道读者连续看三四个长句还是很难受的，这里来个短句除了扣题强调safe以外就是给读者以喘息之机，文章就显得张弛有度，不是只有你在噼里啪啦讲大道理。

接着看紫色的句子，这当然是出彩的地方。它把一个个例扩展到普遍的事实，这还是比较少见的。当然这不是必须的，如果这段字数比较少或者有扩充的条件的话，能突出普遍性当然很好。句子也不错，可以借鉴一下。

    最后一句总结一下在点点主题句，也不一定，看字数。

    Apart from the numerous opportunities the society provide for us, we should also stick to our own dream and make opportunities for ourselves. The goal of life is to fulfill oneself, not to fill oneself. So only when you keep working hard and struggling for a greater level, can you improve yourself and finally reach your initial dream. Once you took the secure job, you are indeed forbid yourself in a limited field and cruelly turn blind eyes to large opportunities in front of you. When time flies, you will find yourself doing nothing for the whole life and ends up with an age without a name.

 

    这段还是跟上段一样的思路。句主题句承上启下。注意一下这个过渡精彩的地方。作者还是扣住opportunity：上段讲社会上有很多机会，这段讲我们要坚持理想为自己创造机会。其实这段和机会关系不大，但是扯到一小句还是很虎的。看！我的论点无缝对接。

    第二句仍然是发展句笼罩全段，没有问题。

    需要注意的是这段的论证手段。这是绝大多数托福考生遗漏的知识点，三段论证全是举例，想不出来例子了就完蛋了。这段也没有例子嘛，论证还是很丰满。为什么？这段用的是对比论证，题目本身就是一个对比嘛，secure job和satisfying job的对比，到了这段就变成fulfill oneself和fill oneself的对比。和题目对应了吧，又是题目背后意思的一方面。satifying job的好处就是fulfill oneself，secure job的坏处就是只能fill oneself然后一事无成。

 

    Admittedly, one may argue that there are no specific dreams in my heart and all I want is three meals a day and 80 years in my life. As I state before, however, since there are huge numbers of opportunities in today’s society, why not save your steps and have a look at other chances. A job offer today is a proof of your ability and indicates more offers tomorrow. So it is a bit rush and irresponsible to your life if you immediately take it without further consideration.

 

    让步段是想不出例子时候的神器啊~我还是一如既往的强调让步段的作用：让步段是承认对方观点的正确性，但是最终还是要突出己方观点！！别让着让着就把自己绕进去了。

我们看这段，有人说我就想一生平平淡淡不行么？可以！（让步了。）但是社会上这么多机会（第二段论点哦~）为什么死扣着这个不放呢，这种safe job今天有明天还有啊。这段让步漂亮的地方就是，我让步了第三段的论点，反而用第二段的论点来反驳它。这样就显得文章非常完整和严谨，给人一种无懈可击的感觉。要知道半个小时300-500字的文章，老师不要求你无比严谨，但是你起码得自圆其说。你让步了得把让出来的地盘抢回去，用其他方法固然可以，用自己刚提出来的观点那叫漂亮！

 

    In conclusion, in light of the society full of opportunities, one had better not take immediate steps to decide your future. And for those who are ambiguous about their academic career, it is always a correct choice to stick to your dream.

 

    总结段没什么好说的。我们再来看看这篇文章的结构。围绕opportunity破题，个论点社会有大把opportunity所以不要safe job，第二个论点坚持梦想的人能够自己创造opportunity。最虎的是让步段，对于追求平淡的人不想创造opportunity的人来说，社会上这么多opportunity为什么要在一棵树上吊死呢？

三个论述段可以说无缝对接，非常漂亮。这种结构只能说是可遇不可求的，所以不要苛求了。欣赏一下就好。

   吹了这么久这篇文章多么牛多么华丽，那么这种文章怎么提高呢？首先对于托福来说它不用提高——这种文章随便找哪个老师来批都是good6分过，除非那个老师特别恨乔布斯那就没办法了T T

    如果要鸡蛋里挑骨头呢，骨刺还是有的。

    开头方面显然是省时间的标准托福开头，虽然没有套模板，但是还是有模板的影子。开头的四句话显然不如主体段流畅华丽。所以如果在考场上还有时间，可以考虑把开头改了，改的个性一点不要有背诵的痕迹。

    结尾还是略显寒酸，毕竟只有两句话，只能总结总结不可能展望未来反思现状什么的。当然一篇文章亮点太多容易瞎，就像长句里面偶尔出一句短句，还是能清新爽目的。

    这篇文章就讲到这里，可以借鉴的地方很多，当然华丽的语言不可马上学会，完美的结构可遇不可求，能立刻学会立竿见影的有两个地方，就是举例，那四句话和后面的普世性就可以是举例论证的一个模板，当然是不可套的模板，需要同学们好好理解。第二就是对比论证，语言是一时半会儿学不会的，但是思路还是要有的。