杨可斐：托福独立写作学生习作详细评析 PART11

杨可斐   南京新航道雅思、托福、SAT写作、语法课程主讲。英文功底扎实，授课耐心细致极具亲和力，善于培养学生的学习兴趣，让学生在轻松的氛围中获得提高。

  Nowadays, the pursuit of a high quality life is engraved in eachperson’s life. There is a growing awareness among the public that the rapiddevelopment of cities plausibly contributes to the accomplishment of the intense wish（这个wish是什么？） directly. Arguably, an advanced city means a high sense ofmaterial satisfaction, which would lead to the enhancement of our life qualitythoroughly. Nevertheless, those people in favor of this standpoint ignore the fact that the enormous stress on breadwinners, excessiveexpansion’s chasing birds away and distorted urbanization become increasinglyout of control to a large extent.

  这个从句头重脚轻 A B & C 3个并列内容要用一样的结构，excessive expansion’s chasing birds away 是不是过于罗嗦和chinglish？

  Primarily, we are confronted with tremendous stress in terms ofthe accelerated life pace and the incredible price level. On one hand, individuals are inclinable to geta decent salary or enjoy a comfortable life in such ahighly-developed city. Usually, they are well-informed in（well-informed应该是消息灵通，见多识广的意思吧，放在这是什么意思？） pretty nice suits, which could be easily judged through the exterior. While, on the other hand, those breadwinners are forced to work much more hours than they used to due to the heavyburdens on their shoulders. Miserable hours they withstand till the midnightchanges these elites into machines with clockworks（去掉好些）. What’s more, insufficient sleep confuses themwith the further job next morning merely a couple of hours later.用confuse不太恰当吧，insufficient sleep will lead to a decrease of work efficiency next day. As for me, this kind of cycle is what I exactly hated when Ienvisioned 没必要用过去式my future and I do not see any point ofacting like a mobile bank maintaining the family.

  主题句：我们在快节奏和高物价的生活中面对很多压力

  Details：一方面人们倾向于赚更多钱。他们通晓好的衣服。

  我不太明白这个detail和主题句有什么关系

  而且结尾非常好扣到城市扩张的主题上面，指明这一切都和城市扩张有很大关系

  Simultaneously, the birds’ rights of living have been deprived andthe territories are invaded by roads,bridges and buildings in terms of the extension. This means that the invitingscene with birds piping up ontheir perches would cease to exist in several decades.We would dominate the planet without the company of any other friendly creaturesby then. What can vividly exemplify this point of view is that the hummingbird’spopulation is decreasing severely. These tiny birds,traveling up and down the western hemisphere, are used to migrate from thenorth habitats in American to the tropical regions.这个描述性语言没必要放在这，重要写过去和现在的种群数量对比 However不用转折，接着写它们甚至连迁徙路线都改变了, inrecent years, the hummingbird has changed its migration routes because of thehorrific factories and toxic emissions expelling（expelled） from them. They could notfind sufficient supply, take a break for a while or even feed their offspringfreely because of the enlargement of the cities.

  和另外两个point比，bird的这个点写得太小了，还有其他动物呢？写造成生态破坏，环境污染，比如鸟类blabla 好些

  What is also worth mentioning here is that所有你写的都worth mentioning…，用一些比较自信的语言说理，不要写这种赶脚漫不经心（我可能用词不当。。）的话 the relatively poor financial strength distorts the contemporaryurbanization. That is to say, uneven development of different parts of the citymay lead us to negative endings. A telling example is that hardly can we enjoythe recreation and relaxation provided by a modern city if the commodities,services or public utilities are not state-to-the-art（这是什么意思。。。为什么not state-to-the-art我们就不能娱乐和放松了？）. In other cases, the local medical agency or other infrastructuresmay not meet the population explosion, more vehicles floors in, more streetsare constructed to withstand more traffic, more blocks are established toaccommodate more dwellers, which would generate a vicious circle inevitably. 这句话是几句杂糅在了一起Hence, it goes without saying that refining of our cities blindlyis rather irrational concerning the facets above.

    结尾这句太戛然而止了，前边几段可以适当压缩，然后结尾另起一段概括（就是传说中的五段式），不然感觉结束得很突兀

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