杨可斐：托福独立写作学生习作详细评析 PART12

杨可斐   南京新航道雅思、托福、SAT写作、语法课程主讲。英文功底扎实，授课耐心细致极具亲和力，善于培养学生的学习兴趣，让学生在轻松的氛围中获得提高。

  In thecurrent society, there are many ways for students to make new friends.In(From) my point of view,engaging in community activities is a better choices(单数)comparing to joining asport team or travelling when it is related to build new friendships. Because it is a best way toexpands students’ social circle and improve their life condition.

  Because用来引导从句，不能单独成句。

  First andforemost, participating in community activities is a good chance to makefriends with our neighbors. In dontown society, it is a common phenomenom that manypeopledonot know their neighbors very well. Thus they suffer from astrong sense of isolation. Therefore, it is important for students to engage incommunity activities to make friends with their neighbors to establish new freindships. Having acloser relationship with their neighborhoods is very helpful for students. Because itcould avoid many problems regardingto the conflicts between two childs.

  Because出现同上错误

  In addition,community service such as volunteer provides an opportunity for students to getto know people.(上一段句也是提供认识朋友的机会，这一段也是，应该再往下细分，说具体的理由)Thestudents who are serving for a community library, for example, are more likely （to）find peers who have thesame insterest such as reading a certain kind of books with themseleves.(这个such as举例多余可以去掉) Thisstudent not only enhances his or her own knowledge and skills, but also developes his or hersocial interacions.

  遇到his or her的地方就换成复数，否则很罗嗦

  最后这句可以换成：This kindof friendship brought by community activities will do much help in *** 这样比较凸显你的主题

  Mostimportantly, group activity(整篇文章数比较混乱，activity单数，includingA&B复数，谓语单数？)includingsports and recreational events creates social bond within the community. Taking part in sports activityis a good idea, since itcan improve student’s health conditions as well aspsychological levels.（语法，Taking sportactivities as an example, people will get themselves greatly improved both psysically and mentally.） People of allage are willing to do some exercise and make friends in a leisure activities（单复数）, not to mention the childrens（数？）. And also it is more realisticthan establish friendships in the internet in which sometimes is very dangerousfor students.(语法，it is more realisticand safe than establishing friendship through the Internet.) As a result,participating in community activities offer（单三） students a great amount of benefits.

  As aresult 概括得太笼统，要具体到你这个理由上来，总是说好是无力的

  但是这段的理由似乎比较模糊：有益身心健康？另外两个理由不是更有这个作用么？

  In the end,community activities have many advantages over travelling or taking part insport team.Regardless it could enhance students to make more friends, it alsohas many benefits for students’ physical health and mental states, as well asbroaden students’ knowledge bases and skills. （这句重点应该放在make friends上扣题，而不是regardless of making friends, 去说其他的好处. ）So it is crucial for parents to encourages theirchildren go out and join community activities.(so和because开头的不能单独成句，只能作为从句)Encourage sb.to do sth.

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