雅思写作这样写, 就...凉了【教育类 - 大作文纠错】

　　写作——作为雅思考试中不可分割的一部分，一直以来都是困扰各路考生的老大难问题;经常有朋友和我说，阅读听力考到8了，写作口语还是6，很多同学也是对于写作就是一个弃疗的状态。

　　本片文章将解析纠错一篇5-5.5分段的学员文章。同分段的考鸭切记纠错过程中没有看到的错误，一定要记笔记!因为那可能是你经常犯的或者以后会犯的错误×。

　　Okeydokey! 老规矩：自己纠错 — 对照纠错解析 — 记下你没有检查出来的错误

　　Lectures were used in the past as an old way of teaching a large number of students. As new technology is now available for education, some people suggest that there is no justification for lectures. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

　　原文段(58字)

　　Some people believe that schools should focus on entertaining students, while others consider educating them will help them for learning new things by new techniques. I partly agree with this declaration that student teaching is important, however of course we must not forget to entertain. In my opinion, schools should encourage children's development skills by using entertainment methods.

　　修改建议：

       1. for learning, 语法错误，help them to learn

　　2. by，介词不恰当，through new techniques

　　3. I partly agree with this declaration，declaration这个词不恰当，换成statement会更好。

　　4. however of course we must，语序有些矛盾， however, we must of course….

　　5. children's development skills，同上，语序不当，应改为encourage the development of children’s skills.

　　原文第二段(85字)

　　First of all, I think that the old education system is still used in schools today. Schools have strict rules that students should only study. A proper education is essential for any student. It is important for their future plans and future life paths in general. But along with education, entertainment is also very important. A variety of entertainment helps us to energize our studies. Because some students prefer to entertaining rather than study according to a strict schedule. It's even good for their studies.

　　修改建议：

        1. the old education system is still used 这里可以考虑把语言升个级，用traditional 来形容教育更恰当。System如果换成methods也会更准确。 同时我们可以说are still widely applied，让语言更复杂。

　　2. It is important for their future plans and future life paths 语言重复了， future plans 和 future paths很接近，显得很啰嗦。It is crucial for their future lives and endeavors，对于他们未来的生活和努力很重要。

　　3. But along with education 直接用Alongside。它要比but along with 连接的更简洁，更顺畅。

　　4. entertaining 表达不明确，并且有语法问题。To 接原型一定要注意。其次这句话应该改为， students prefer entertainment over strict study.

　　原文第三段(94字)

　　Secondly, by changing the current school teaching methods, it is possible to create more opportunities for students. Passing a lesson with the help of entertaining methods from studying based on a strict order increases the student's interest in the lesson and learning. I think it will be very useful and important for some students if the lessons are taught using different entertainment methods. Because there are students who are easier to use new methods compared to traditional education. It is very easy and convenient for them to understand and experiment with new entertainment methods.

　　修改建议：

       1. Passing a lesson with the help of entertaining methods, passing a lesson有些不太明确。Teaching a lesson using entertaining methods 会更好些。

　　2. important for some students，如果想要更好的文字效果，可以改成beneficial for a significant number of students.

　　3. who are easier to use，有语病，应该说，who find it easier to use。

　　原文结尾段(48字)

　　I strongly agree that the education system in schools should be conducted using entertainment methods. Because new methods create new skills in students and make learning easier. Encourages them to learn more and put what they've learned into practice. In my opinion, this is a very good situation.

　　修改建议：I strongly agree that the education system in schools should be conducted using entertainment methods. 这个地方如果回头去看题目的话发现虽然和文章开头对应，但是已然有些跑题了。证明同学在写的过程中忘记题目里的重点信息了。

　　this is a very good situation. 非常不正式，而且有些不够明确，结尾尽量不要写这种内容，和开头对应、点题、总结文章内容就够了。

　　文章总体点评

　　本篇文章的问题就是有些跑题，题目的话题没有完全的扣住。没有提到传统教育，同时也没有例子证明科技和新式教育的关系，整体重点都在娱乐教育上。其次，单词比较单调匮乏，大量的重复词汇体现了词汇方面的弱势!最后，基础的语法还不错，但是句型还可以在提升，有时候会有缺乏准确性的问题，但是不影响理解。

　　TR：5 ——尝试去展开了一个观点，但是有些答非所问，没有直接的回答题目所述的话题。题目的要求本身是想问，由于科技的影响，传统教育是否应该被延续?而同学的重点则放在了探讨结合娱乐兴趣与教育的重要性。尽管同学的观点展开的不错，但是审题还是很重要的!

　　C&C：6——文章大只有一个合理的顺序，一些连贯手段还是比较合理的。然而整体的行文推进还可以再提升一些，例如说给主体段加入主题句，更多的使用表达逻辑连贯的词组。还有，确保每一个观点都可以直接联系到题目上也能提升文章整体的连贯性!

　　Lexical Resource：5——有处理该任务的词汇资源，但是重复的现象比较多，比如说反复使用entertainment，education，methods等等，非常明显。同时缺乏词汇的使用，显出词汇资源非常的匮乏。

　　Grammar：5——文章中语法问题不多，但是语法结构范围比较有限。有些句型过于简单，可以用复杂一些的说法来替换。

　　总分：5

       来源：雅思foru

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